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The Royal Allure of Windsor: A Most Irreverent Guide

submitted on 3 June 2023 by

An Introductory Apology

Before we dive headfirst into the royal waters of Windsor, I must first offer an apology. You see, after reading the title of this article, you may be expecting an informative, reverential, and perhaps even a slightly pompous tour of the town so often associated with the British monarchy. Instead, what you are about to read is a flagrant romp through the regal landscapes of Windsor, teeming with sarcasm, wit, and a healthy dose of irreverence. If that offends you, then please accept my sincerest apologies, and, well, bugger off. Now, for those of you who are still with me, let's begin our journey through the royal follies of Windsor!

Windsor Castle: A Home Fit for a King (and Some Peacocks)

Our first stop is, of course, Windsor Castle. What can one say about Windsor Castle that hasn't already been said about the Sistine Chapel or your grandmother's prized collection of porcelain cats? It's old, it's filled with priceless art, and it's probably haunted. Windsor Castle is a treasure trove of royal paraphernalia, including a throne room that would put the Iron Throne to shame (and with fewer impalements), and an extensive library where the only books you're allowed to touch are the ones on royal etiquette, which, let's face it, you'll need after a long day of traipsing through the castle. But what truly sets Windsor Castle apart is its commitment to green living, or at least the green living of its resident peacocks. Yes, you read that correctly. In addition to the thousands of tourists who flock to the castle each year, the grounds are also home to a flamboyant troupe of peacocks who are apparently quite fond of their royal lodgings, and who can blame them?

St. George's Chapel: A Royal Resting Place

If you're starting to feel a bit, well, mortal after wandering the halls of Windsor Castle, then a visit to St. George's Chapel should put things into perspective. This centuries-old chapel is the final resting place for many a royal family member, including the famed Henry VIII and his collection of wives, as well as the recently interred Prince Philip. Be sure to take a moment of silence (or a hearty chuckle, depending on your disposition) as you tour the tombs, and maybe spare a thought for the poor bloke who has to keep track of all those royal dustbins.

Eton College: Where the Royals (and the Rich) Learn to Rule

While you're in the neighborhood, it's worth popping across the river to Eton College, the alma mater of many a British royal and politician (and, coincidentally, the birthplace of the necktie). This prestigious institution has churned out more prime ministers than you can shake a scepter at, and its hallowed halls have been graced by the likes of Princes William and Harry, as well as that other famous British export, Eddie Redmayne. Take a stroll through the school's ancient courtyards, where future kings and prime ministers have no doubt engaged in heated debates over the merits of Latin conjugations, or the proper way to butter a scone. And if you're feeling particularly cheeky, you can even pose for a photo in front of the statue of Eton's founder, King Henry VI, who, fun fact, was deposed and likely murdered by the very dynasty that would one day send its progeny to his school.

The Long Walk: A Stroll Fit for a King (and Some Corgis)

After all that royal rabble-rousing, you might need a leisurely stroll to regain your commoner's composure. Enter the Long Walk, a grand, tree-lined promenade that stretches for 2.65 miles from the gates of Windsor Castle to the Copper Horse statue of King George III (who, incidentally, was quite mad). The Long Walk is the perfect spot for some royal birdwatching, or, if you're really lucky, a glimpse of Her Majesty out walking her beloved corgis.

Legoland Windsor: Because Even Royals Need a Break from Reality

Finally, if all that royal pomp and circumstance has left you feeling a bit, well, deflated, then a trip to Legoland Windsor might be just the ticket. Because, let's face it, nothing says "I've had enough of this monarchy malarkey" quite like a theme park dedicated to brightly colored plastic bricks. So, go on, take a spin on the Dragon Coaster or pose for a photo with a life-sized Lego King, and remember that, at the end of the day, even the royals are just people (with some very fancy hats).

In Conclusion

And so, dear reader, we've reached the end of our irreverent romp through the royal landscapes of Windsor. I hope you've enjoyed our journey, and that you now feel sufficiently educated in the ways of the British monarchy (or, at the very least, slightly amused). And remember, even as you return to your own, less regal, abode, you can always take a little piece of Windsor with you, in the form of a souvenir tea towel or a commemorative biscuit tin. Cheers!

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